Its funny how life goes, you meet someone who you think will always be there until the very end of you but that’s not how things always go, sometimes we are lucky to find that person or people who stay in our lives FOREVER, I’ve witnessed it. For the past two going on three months my life has been turned upside down because I’ve lost my person who I thought would be here FOREVER, I could go on to saying how this and that person is to blame but I can never find it in my heart to bash someone who meant the WORLD to me, tho the same hasn’t been done towards me but its cool, anyways… yeah a lot of stuff happened and some people just can’t deal with change which is sad because the change wasn’t something that we all could help, but I’ve learned and is still learning to accept how this change has affected my life but not everyone has my strength to over look things. Moving along I honestly don’t believe it was us two who had the problems *even though we did have some problems of our own* it was mainly the outsiders who took over this ship that was moving along just fine and sunk it…at least I would like to think it was moving fine! Through whatever problems that occurred even before the end, we always seemed to work it out and even if we didn’t I was still fine and happy because talking and seeing the person who brings complete joy and happiness to my heart made whatever problems we had fade away. I take my friendships serious if I say I love and care about someone I really mean that and I can’t help but be more than loyal to the ones I call my closet friends, I just wish it was the same for me. It wasn’t my decision to let go even though I said I couldn’t fight anymore for someone that wanted to be free I still wanted to keep going and giving my all because at the end of the day I never meant those words. It does get hard and complicated when it seems like everything in the universe was trying over and over to pull and break away a great bond that was formed..which the bond grew weaker and weaker which leaves us in our separate places now. I often think about trying again and doing so even if I were to get rejected but then I think about everything and I get mad all over which puts me in a state of confusion even though I know in my heart I would like to try again but I highly doubt that could happen I don’t know when or if there’s a right time to savage anything….😔
It’s so much of shit I want to and need to say but I don’t think I’ll be able to spill my every feeling in this post….
Well all I’m left with are memories that I’ll always cherish. One memory that keeps playing over in my head is when I went to Mississippi, I would give anything to go back to the moment when I was on the beach relaxing and I saw that shooting star….part of me wish that I would have wished for something that I knew would have had a better chance at coming true…I know it’s crazy to think that a simple wish could’ve changed anything and that I couldn’t have predicted the future but somehow I seen this coming I just wasn’t quite sure when or how long it would take place! I know I can’t help what happened or how it happened but I know I wish it never happened but I’m trying to keep in my head that everything happens for a reason and who am I to question what’s the reason when eventually the answers will reveal themselves sooner or later.
Since the new year, I’ve meet a few new cool friends but its hard for me to give them all of me for many reasons but mostly because I’m still in PAIN, I’m still HURTING more than ever, I know to everyone they see me smiling and looking happy and I’m hanging out with people but on the inside I’m filled with so much sadness and I don’t know what to do to pick myself up and move on with my life, it’s like a cycle I’m going through the first week and a half I just cried and prior to that I told myself I would NEVER cry over anyone but I did only because this person was my best friend, my other half, she was my Meredith to Christina off of GREYS *lol I’m lame but it’s true* and really the only person I’ve ever had in my life for a long period of time that really understood me. I know I like to be all hard and tough but really and truly I’m the biggest baby ever and it sucks. No one really understand even though my friend Alex who I absolutely adore has been really good at getting me to talk since she’s been through this whole ordeal, I honestly thank god for allowing us to meet especially since we’re both the same in one a few areas :) !!
I just want and need to take over my life because I’ve let myself slip into depression, I’ve been being a real jerk to people, I’ve been angry for months now and trying to isolate myself from everyone and that’s not like me I don’t like this dark side of my life, I want to be friendly all the time and not half the time, I want to smile and really have a smile not only on my face but on my heart, I’ve slowly gotten back into the swing of giving other people advice and keeping them calm even when I don’t have someone like that for myself, that’s a step up for me because I have slightly stepped back into being selfless and doing for others who deserve it, without looking for the same in return. I might not be happy all the time and I might not have what or who I want in my life right now but things could be so much worse and I just have to remind myself of that everyday. I’ll get out this funk I’m in eventually and I’m gonna try my hardest to get back to me everyday because I know those close to me miss ME too and I’m deeply sorry for those who had to encounter me during my storm!
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to remove this person from my heart and I don’t think I want to but what I do know is that I can’t continue putting myself on hold waiting for everything to be the same as it was…I need to be HAPPY, let my NEW friends experience all of ME and be the BEST person that I’ve always been. I have a gift and my gift is to make others smile and laugh and be happy and when I do simple things like that is when I’m the happiest nothing like knowing you could help make someone day better or greater if they’re having an awesome day all ready :)
You try to find the missing pieces to fill in the blanks but somehow the only pieces you can find is the old ones that fit so perfectly….maybe we shouldn’t look for the pieces to fill in maybe we should wait until they find us! Hmm I think that’s what I’m gonna do just WAIT for whatever comes but in the process of waiting I’ll be living my life for me enjoying my life because I do only have one life and what’s a life if its wasted???
I still care and even if we never cross paths again I only want this person to be happy and great wherever life takes her…
I don’t care if me expressing myself comes off as being a fool or any other way I could care less what anyone thinks but this is what I needed for ME to write majority of my feelings down and I really do feel like a huge weight has being lifted. I was tired of being a prisoner of my bottled up emotions. If its one thing I’ve learned is to be open about whatever is bothering me otherwise it’ll only tear me down day by day keeping it in.
Refuse to hold a grudge against anyone cause like I said life is short. Forgive and be forgiven and move on if nothing is there :) through every storm that passes the sun always comes back out! Trust God and follow wherever he leads😊